need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
