dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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