turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
