I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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