miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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