He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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