I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Loading more great texts...