last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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