I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
