Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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