Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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