Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
