Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
