Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
