I saw his package. It spoke to me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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