I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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