Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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