Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
