I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Please don't give away my fajitas
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
