I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
