If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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