I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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