I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
