I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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