last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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