Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
smell my finger.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
