I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
