i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
