y did u give ur computer a hand job?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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