Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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