I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
