I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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