my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
