I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I am available for nakedness
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
