I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
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Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
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I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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