Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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