I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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