And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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