I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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