They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
