I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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