So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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