how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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