Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
