I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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