I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
