the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
