I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
