I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
