Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
