I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
