I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
