I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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