just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
