I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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