Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
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Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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