wrigley field is MILF paradise
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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