Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You were trust falling into bushes
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
