I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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