the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
