i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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