I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i can't believe i had my finger in that
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
