Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
